I'm 22 for a moment...

Last Wednesday, I turned 22 and it was good. The week was peppered with many good moments, for which I'm thankful.

Tuesday night... mum came home with a lovely white gold bracelet for me, and topped it off with a birthday kiss. She said she couldn't wait till Wednesday to give it to me. Ironically, I realise I'm a lot like her in this aspect. Apparently she bought it on (shared) behalf of my dad and he hadn't even seen it yet. haha.

Wednesday... the day started with yet another birthday kiss from mum. Even though I had an outline due at 12 the same day and hadn't started writing yet, I was happy. I felt completely insulated from all of the usual things that could ruin my day and make me miserable. Managed to make it down to school by 8.50am, got a nice cosy spot in one of the discussion rooms in the library and typed all the way till 11.45am, just in time for class. Some time around mid-morning, the sky darkened and it started to pour. Perfect weather to be holed up in the library doing work. Class ended at 3, and the day was still good. Aaron tried to waylay me, so that Wayne, Mel D and the rest could set up the cake in the canteen for me! haha so cute. The cake was good, and the birthday song even better. I heard afterward that Wayne went to quite a bit of trouble finding a bakery at Clementi to get my birthday cake. So sweet. I got the Audrey Hepburn handbag that I've been eyeing, the Eternal Sunshine soundtrack, a glow-in-the-dark snowflake and a fantastic card from him. I love my boy. :) Met Bern and we walked to the co-op where she got me earphones, so I could listen to music on my laptop even in the library. yayness. Got a neat pair of slippers from the bazaar on the way too. Somewhere in between, met up with Andrea and Shane, got hugs and took pictures.

Evening-ish, I made my way down to Great World City with mum and dad and Wayne to have dinner at House of Sudanese (which is Indonesian, not African). Not fantastic but it was nice to have dinner together. After dinner, we went to Zara and I wanted to get this pair of lovely pink pants but decided that it wasn't worth the 50 bucks pricetag. I had a date with Chaz at Max Brenner's, so had to leave GWC at 8 plus. Met her and paid the customary birthday visit to Giodano but I didn't find anything nice. Max Brenner's was so good though! We started with a chocolate souffle first. When Sam came about an hour later, we ordered fondue and cleaned the plates of strawberry, bananas, marshmellows and brioche bread, all with the nifty skewers provided by the good people at Max Brenner's. yum. Service sucked though. What a pity for an otherwise nice place. Dear, sweet Chaz got me the loveliest turquoise sweater from Topshop (exactly the thing I was looking for) and a card, all wrapped up in beautiful silver wrapping paper. She's my all-time favourite girl.

Thursday night... Wayne, Andrea, Bern, Shane and me went to Lemongrass at The Heeren for dinner. We were all so hungry that when the food came, we just ate and hardly spoke. haha. Went to Marche for dessert. Caramel banana crepe, calamari, apple strudel and ice cream... *licks lips* Jacq and Ben joined us at the Esplanade, after their dinner with Ben's family. And I got a fabulous pashmina shawl and a celtic bookmark from the Metropolitan Museum of Art! Thank you! My friends are sweet people. :)

Friday... Met Chaz and Sam for badminton in the morning. Sam was late and I wsa grumpy but it all worked out in the end. And we worked out! A great start to the day but very tirng to wake up and go all the way to school. Went to the airport at 9pm to send Jacq off. Paris! Lucky girl. Will miss her.

I got a Fujifilm E500 digicam on Saturday from the Comex fair. From daddy. I've been waiting to get a digicam for ages! But I'm a little disappointed about some of the functions. No matter, I'll master the technique of using it and will be posting up pictures soon!

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Looking back, I feel that I must truly treasure and remember all these wonderful moments. So that when the year wears on and it gets harder to hold on, look up and smile, I can take these memories out from inside me, grit my teeth and draw from them the strength to carry on.

Strings That Tie To YouJon Brion

From the wrinkles on my forehead/To the mud upon my shoe/Everything's a memory/With strings that tie to you

In my dream/I'm often running/To the place that's out of you/Of every kind of memory/With strings that tie to you

Though a change has taken place/And I no longer do adore her/Still every God forsaken place is always/Right around the corner

Now I know it's either them or me/So I'll bury every clue/And every kind of memory/With strings that tie to you/And every kind of memory/With strings that tie to you

Somedays you just have to be extra strong.

Today wasn’t a very good day for me. Weariness and work is steadily catching up.

I realized last night that my seminar paper outline that’s due this Wednesday is actually 2-3 pages long with a detailed framework and NOT just about picking a policy to research on. So a lot of last night and this morning was spent frantically trying to decide on a topic and doing cursory research online. One long night and one meeting with the Prof later, I managed to pull it off.

Tomorrow’s presentation is still not done and it’s already past 9pm. I’m still reading. And reading. And reading. It never seems to end. Plus brain is very resistant. Thank goodness there are 6 people in my group and it’s Shamsul’s module.

Juggling the preparation for 2 assignments in 1 day, I still managed to spill coffee on myself in the library and had to discreetly place my arm strategically across my t-shirt to hide the damn stain before going all the way to the toilet at the other end of the library to wash and dry off.

To top it all off, I heard from Jolene (who heard from Ian) and directly from Shijing that the deadline for submitting the application to write the Honours thesis was this coming Wednesday. Panicked because haven’t decided on a topic nor done much literature review. After running to the department office, it turns out that it’s only a rumour. And that was after an hour of shock and frantically trying to mentally draw up a plan to do everything by Wednesday. Perhaps it might not even matter in the end. I found out from Aaron that the official application date was at the end of the semester. What are my chances of maintaining or improving on the required 4-point CAP (where I'm exactly at right now) at the end of the semester? Pfft. Oh well, we’ll see how it goes.

I’m not sure what happened but somewhere during the afternoon, everything about honours suddenly and all at once overwhelmed me. All the (psychological) stress, anxiety and apprehension and uncertainty about Honours rose up like a giant tide and swept me away. I broke down in the canteen and had to leave before I made a stupid scene and embarrassed myself and everyone else. People saw anyway and Shane caught up with me to ask me what was wrong. So I told him and the tears just came out.

As I was talking to him, I relaised that I’ve come to a point where I don’t see a point to talk about it to anyone anymore. I’m sick of hearing my voice and there’s nothing anyone can say. All the talking hasn’t helped me come any closer to any sort of resolution, external or internal. Neither has it helped me gain any more clarity on the whole thing. It’s one of those things that no one can help me with and I have to sort it out on my own. I am sick of this uncertainty, this questioning of my purpose here (simply because I see none) and the heaviness I carry around like a weight around my neck. I recite all the good reasons why I should be doing honours in my head and they sound like someone else’s opinions, not mine.

I really really thank God for my friends, for Andrea, Shane, for Wayne, without whom I would’ve long gone mad from self-doubt and all kinds of stupid reasons one should never go mad from, like all of this.

Stayed in school till 8.40pm to do reading while waiting for dad to pick me up. I was talking to Aaron and Elaine when another classmate of ours walked past. I said hi to him, was ignored. After speaking to them and without acknowledging my presence even though I was standing right next to him, looking at him the whole time, he said goodbye to them. At this point, I said goodbye to him, was pointedly ignored again. I really don’t get some people some times.

Is it coincidence or is it communication?

Mass today was quite amazing. For the first time in a long while, we were early and while waiting for mass to begin, I knelt to pray.

I told God about the things that were bothering me, that I still had reservations about going for Honours. I told Him that I don't understand how some people could be so sure of where they were heading in life and for others, even if they didn't know exactly where they were going, their faith and trust in God's guiding hand gave them a strong sense of direction nevertheless. I prayed for my direction in life, that it may be revealed to me or that He may lead me to it. In my heart, I felt that one of the reasons why I feel so uncertain about doing Honours is because I have no idea where I'm heading with it. (Hence the question, Is this really for me?) All the stress, apprehension and anxiety that I've been feeling, I told Him in words and in the quiet of my heart. Then I asked Him if I could have a sign to guide, one that was clear enough because I don't trust my ability to discern amidst ambiguity.

Later during sermon that Fr William Goh delivered, he mentioned that the suffering that we go through in life is not a form of punishment but an opportunity for us to come to a form of self-realization, that we may be united with Jesus in His suffering. Many times throughout life, we take things for granted when we don't have to work hard to earn it. It's just like how we take our salvation for granted the longer the time that we've been Catholics. He gave examples and one of the examples he mentioned was that of going through tertiary education. Only when we work hard to obtain a degree/doctorate/PhD, will we truly appreciate the opportunity to learn and the luxury of access to education. And such suffering, challenges, trials and difficulties all require a strong sense of discipline. (Which, incidentally, was something that I'd told God about as well.)

Still, being the skeptic that I am, a part of me remained unconvinced that that was God communicating with me. After all, amidst all the prayers and inner voices of all the people in the congregation and around the world, how could He possibly have heard me so soon? But no matter. During the prayer before communion, I didn't know what to say and somehow, I didn't feel a need to say anything, so I just kept quiet and imagined myself sitting next to God, just drawing comfort from His close presence. As it sometimes does when my mind goes quiet, a song popped into my head - We Will Rise Again, and the chorus played in my mind...

We will run and not grow weary

For His love will be our strength

And we will fly like an eagle

We will rise again.

And I thought to myself, "What a lovely song to listen to were I to be feeling like crap and completely helpless." So, when I was done, I sat down again and started flipping through the hymnal to look for the song. As I did that, the choir started singing it at the very same moment. I was so taken aback, I gasped. How could it be? Was He really, really listening? Is He really trying to tell me something? For a moment, I came close to feeling like I was in safe hands and I didn't need to worry any more. But it was just for a moment. Right now, I'm trying to do research for a paper topic that I have to submit soon as well as for a presentation due on Tuesday, and it doesn't look good. Dearest Heavenly Father, I need Your grace and wisdom!

Happy Birthday!

What a lovely evening! Went for Novena service at 6pm before heading down to Au Petit Salut at Holland Village for dinner. We were early (our reservation was at 7.30pm) but got seated anyway and for a few quiet minutes, we had the whole place to ourselves.

The service was excellent and the food was good as well! Without giving up halfway, Wayne shared the entire plate of fois gras with me and that's really saying something because he hates liver and all kinds of gizzards alike. My main course (the sea bass) was ok though the heaviness of the thick fillet as well as its taste got a bit too much for me towards the end. I loved the potatoes maxim that accompanied Wayne's beef tenderloin. It tasted a little like mash potatoes but much more savoury and really yummy. The wine was relatively light and tangy, and just about right. Dessert was Orange & Grand Marnier Soufflé with Chocolate Truffle. It sounded really wonderful on the menu and when it arrived, we weren't disappointed. After a meal as rich as the one we had, the delicate fluffiness of the soufflé provided an ideal balance to the savoury flavour of the entree and main course.

Entree

Foie Gras de Canard Poêlé, Apricots secs marinés aux épicesPan-fried Foie Gras

Dried Apricots marinated in spices

Main Course

Médaillon de Loup de mer Rôti, Farci de St Jacques, Beurre Blanc Citronné etParfumé au Romarin

Roasted Medallion of Sea Bass Filled with Scallops & Fennel Cardamom Sauce, Rosemary Lemon Butter

Filet de Bœuf Poêlé, Fricassée de Chanterelles, Pommes Maxim, sauce Bordelaise

Pan-fried Beef Tenderloin, Fricassée of Chanterelles, Potatoes Maxim, Bordelaise Sauce

Dessert

Soufflé à l'Orange et au Grand Marnier, Truffe au Chocolat

Orange & Grand Marnier Soufflé with Chocolate Truffle

Drinks

Two glasses of French Bordeaux Red

All in all, I had a beautiful evening with Wayne. We talked and laughed as usual, and took some photos. He looked so handsome in his shirt, jeans and boots, and as I was walking along the streets with him, I felt like we looked the perfect couple. *smile* We ended the evening by having delicious tau huey at the Tanglin Halt market before finally heading home. It's been a special 22nd birthday celebration for me and a special time for us, for so many reasons. Thank you sweetie. :)

It's time to make my move.

I decided to leave my old blog for fear of having all my entries unexpectedly deleted one day. Especially when I just found out that yet another of my fellow-ODers got all her entries erased by some unknown hacker. So yes, this is the result of the great migration into the borderless beyonds of the virtual universe.

Supposed to be doing my readings (which I was) before the Great Migration started happening and completely distracted me. As a matter of proof...

Weber distinguishes four orientations of social action, none of which is ever likely to be found existing in isolation:

traditional - This is action which comes from habit; it is clearly on the edge of "meaningully oriented action" and can have different degrees of self-consciousness. Much of what we do in everyday life is action of this character.

affectual - Action here is determined by the actor's emotion, feeling, affect; thus, striking in anger can be seen as being on the borderline of meaningfully oriented action.

value-rational (wertrational) - Here action is consciously determined by a belief in a particular value for its own sake. It is distinguished from the previous mode "by its clearly self-conscious formulation of the ultimate values governing the action and the consistently planned orientation of its detailed course to these values" (p.25). It is similar to affectual action in that in both case the object of the action is, so to speak, not outside of the action itself (one does it for its own sake, without regard for consequences).

instrumentally rational (zweckrational) - With action in this sense, the means, ends, and consequences are all taken into account and weighed.

Taken from Harmon, Michael M. and Mayer, Richard T. Organization Theory for Public Administration (Boston: Little, Brown and Company, 1986)

I am zweckrational!

Ok. Back to reading.