happy moments~

Choices.

In order of preference -

1. Public space and national security in Singapore.

2. The role of students in Singapore's political development.

3. The management/administration of religion in Singapore.

There's a sinking feeling in my tummy.

Thesis topics are due tomorrow! *constipated expression*
I realise I have an INTENSE aversion to deadlines.

Things I have been doing...

Monday...
Went down to VJ in the morning to interview the NE coordinator for another public policy paper of mine. (It turns out Mrs Christine Ang is really Ms Christine Choo, who taught me lit 4 years ago. She has since gotten married and is now pregnant.)

Went for driving lessons in the afternoon. Horrendous. After four years of lessons, I still cannot control the damn clutch. I think I've got a retarded left foot.

Went to Sakae Sushi to treat myself after a long, draining day of travelling all over the place. Salmon sashimi, fried tofu, unagi sushi, tofu-skin sushi, scallop-skin sushi + green tea. Yum.

Tuesday...
Went for SID talk. It was good, the money's good, the job sounds good. Very pro-government. That's no surprise. Everyone in there is a good citizen of Singapore. Everyone in there loves their job and they all get 'high' from working or so they say. I signed up for the written exercise. Better not say too much. (ps: We got this IQ puzzle thing as a door gift. That was pretty neat. Except that our entire table - me, Wayne, Mel D, Ian and Mel Ngo kept playing with the thing before the seminar started. I think we looked like the most anti-social group of the lot. Hah.) By the way, I was very impressed with the attitude and disposition of the representatives. I was really! This isn't just because I think someone's listening in dammit. Which, incidentally, I do.

Wednesday...
Went for lesson again today. Better but still no confidence. I wanted to keep on practising all the routines until I'd gotten over my phobia but my instructor didn't think there was a point to hold me at this point, without going ahead for the test. He knew that what I have is a psychological problem and not so much of a psycho-motor one.

Everyday...

Reading stupid IR readings for the quiz this Friday. Whoever heard of having a four-day break?! What difference does that one extra day make? It's bloody retarded.

Writing my PA paper on theories of motivation...too slowly!

Worrying about the second part of above-mentioned paper, that requires a case study of a public organization or sector in a Southeast Asian country. I have no case study!

I finally got Wayne to ask Uncle Mark for an interview. I was desperate.

*pulls hair out in utter frustration*

the·o·rist (thr-st, thîrst) n.
One who theorizes; a theoretician.

(infml) One who derives a certain perverse satisfaction from writing in very, very convoluted language, so that no one understands what is being written, thus fooling readers to develop the (mis)conception that the writer is a brilliant intellectual.

Depression creeps in and takes its place in the corners of my mind. Sits and waits and watches like the silent observer. I do not know where it comes from or when it will leave. It comes and goes without a word.

I saw him in school today.

The sun sets upon another day.

Mondays are long. And the journey home always seem longer on Mondays, if not for the company. :)Am so beat. The lump on my neck is still there, though it's smaller today. The good thing about today was finding a cool study spot at the YIH reading room. And taking some lovely pictures of the evening sky while waiting for the bus. The best thing about today was getting home to Emi Fujita and a nice, cool bath.
Yawn. Work beckons.

I want to watch this one.

Watched this on Saturday night. Enjoyed it!

On a lighter note...

...Mass today was pretty good. 12.30pm at Holy Trinity, together with the kids who were due to receive their first Holy Communion today. Father Johnson gave the homily, wearing this super cool stole that had some kind of batik/African print all over it. He gave the homily using a wireless mic, walking among the congregation, particularly where the kids were seated. He talked about the specialness of the Eucharist and why Jesus used bread and wine above everything else. It was like Cathechism class but as a homily, it was good to hear that simple message again. Though we are many, we are united as one. Reminded me of Keenan's speech two nights ago, at the Commissioning Mass - though we are apart from one another, we are close together in love. Just like we are with Him. Only a prayer away. What a wonderful thought.

Wayne came by to study with me tonight and brought Emi Fujita's Camomile Blend all wrapped in lovely paper with a bookmark on it, just to cheer me up and help me get through the days. Bliss. :)

I must be incredibly tense though. This morning, I woke up with a lump on the back of my neck, towards the left. My whole head aches all around and I can literally feel the knotted muscles everywhere. I probably have to cut down on coffee and relax a little bit more. The coffee bit's manageable but the second part's going to be a long shot. I'm tensing up just thinking about trying to relax, what with all the work that's coming. This is never going to work.

Yesterday, after the irritating (because it's on a bloody Saturday morning) but useful writing seminar, I had lunch with Stella, one of my honours mates. She has the most wonderful cackly laughter I've ever heard. The kind where you throw your head back and laugh it all out. Heh. I like people who laugh a good, hard laugh. Turns out a B+/B is an unprecedented, all-time low for her. And mere mortals like me are struggling just to get maintain B+/B average. Sheesh. But she's nice, so it can be overlooked. I guess everyone's different and then there are degrees of differences. I must learn to take it all in stride and, as Wayne says, don't compare.

Apprehensive.

I was gripped by a sudden fear today, while doing my readings at home. It's one of those moments when you're trying to concentrate on something but your mind keeps wandering on to random thoughts.

What if I bump into him when I start to work in the future? Worse, what if my path crosses with hers? Or with people she knows, close friends? For some strange reason, there's this weird knot of fear that's swimming around my mind that refuses to go away. The possibility seems very real and very likely. What do I do then? What if the truth of what happened comes out while I'm still working at wherever with whoever finds out? So many awful scenarios started playing out in my mind like a VCR that's going nuts on me and I can't stop the tape no matter how many times I'm hitting the stop button. I just messaged Chaz to ask her if I could call her. I think I need to talk to someone.

This is the reason why I should never, ever make another mistake like that ever again in my entire life. Never. I feel like I will eventually have to pay the price of what I've done. I just don't know when it's going to happen or how. What's my defence when it comes back to haunt me? I realise I have none.

Caught in a moment of inspiration while jaywalking.

Only by grace.

Things to be thankful for...

1. The end of a long and tiring week.
2. Being able to pull through very difficult readings for quiz/presentation.
3. That, despite being tired, Mummy makes an effort to make me lunch almost every day.
4. Her unconditional love, understanding and reaasurance that is my source of strength.
5. Wayne, my source of strength (and faithful sparring partner) who only tries harder to love me every time.
6. Fantastic friends.
7. The grace to pull myself together each time, week after week, to carry on.
8. Honours mates who are generally decent people.
9. CSI, F.R.I.E.N.D.S, Singapore Idol, the 9pm Chinese show on channel 8. Great for de-stressing.
10. For God, without whom all of the above blessings, and then some, would not have been possible.

All God's testing has a purpose.

Someday you will see the light.

All He asks is that you trust in Him.

Walk by Faith and not by sight.

(Courtesy of Kat...)

A long day ahead

Wasted one a half hours blog-surfing this morning in a momentary shot of voyeurism. I feel like I'm living vicariously through all these other exciting people with exciting lives. People I used to know, people I know now, people I don't know although the effect's slightly different because when you don't know the person, you can't go, "Wahey! I know this cool person from pri/sec school/jc!" and by the six-degrees principle, be a little closer to what's going on. Hah. Sad, yes I know.

Sigh. Mum and Dad are so sweet. Yesterday, I came home and cried. Mum noticed there was something wrong, so she came into my room and tried to coax it out of me. In between silent sobs, teary nods and a lot of mucus, the general message was conveyed. I kinda told her it was about school. In a way, it is. She kept stroking my head, talking to me, praying over me and it felt so reassuring and safe, even though I can't exactly remember what she'd said. So now, there's a little altar in my room, complete with tealight on a pretty stand, just to tell me that it's ok. As for Dad, well, dad cleaned out my fish tank finally after many many weeks. That's his language of love.

I have a difficult assignment ahead of me, due tomorrow, that I must conquer. I must!

Today was a bad day.

........

I know we all have our physical imperfections and sometimes, it's all really just psychological; imperfections can be imperfections seen with the mind and not with the eyes. The important thing is to love what we see when we look into the mirror, all the kooky imperfections that make us human. But there are particular bits about myself that I especially don't like because it's been the reason for me being insulted/embarrassed/made the butt of jokes for as long as I can remember. It happened when I was one of the first few girls in my class whose chest started developing in primary school, at a time when any form of attention (short of popularity that is), especially of the physical anatomy sort, did not bode well at all.

And then there's my stupid forehead. I hate it. Yes, I know Tyra Banks has a gigantic forehead too but it looks good on her and besides, she earns big fat bucks anyway, so she has the last laugh. I can't help it if I was born with this stupid chunk of a forehead and I had (have) absolutely no say in how much of my face I actually want it to occupy. I don't need people to say nice things about it or pay it false compliments when the fact is pretty much undeniable and I accept that. Just stop passing comments about it or making fun or pointing out the problem with my face that I'm perfectly aware of myself and I sure as hell don't need reminding. It's not funny to me and even the slightest comment bothers me because I've endured taunts about it all the time and it feels like crap. It makes me feel really ugly. Just because you're lucky to not have such a physical feature like that doesn't give you a right to make someone else feel bad about hers. So bugger off.

Sunday moments.

The weather's so lovely today. A medium shower, just enough to cool the air. The rain's stopped by now but the smell of rain lingers on and there's a light breeze going about. It's quiet where I am and it feels good to be somewhere quiet.

I got bloggerbot to work for me! Whee~

Readings...

It's all a blur.

That's the way I feel these days.

Blink and it's gone. And all that's left are memories.