Somedays you just have to be extra strong.

Today wasn’t a very good day for me. Weariness and work is steadily catching up.

I realized last night that my seminar paper outline that’s due this Wednesday is actually 2-3 pages long with a detailed framework and NOT just about picking a policy to research on. So a lot of last night and this morning was spent frantically trying to decide on a topic and doing cursory research online. One long night and one meeting with the Prof later, I managed to pull it off.

Tomorrow’s presentation is still not done and it’s already past 9pm. I’m still reading. And reading. And reading. It never seems to end. Plus brain is very resistant. Thank goodness there are 6 people in my group and it’s Shamsul’s module.

Juggling the preparation for 2 assignments in 1 day, I still managed to spill coffee on myself in the library and had to discreetly place my arm strategically across my t-shirt to hide the damn stain before going all the way to the toilet at the other end of the library to wash and dry off.

To top it all off, I heard from Jolene (who heard from Ian) and directly from Shijing that the deadline for submitting the application to write the Honours thesis was this coming Wednesday. Panicked because haven’t decided on a topic nor done much literature review. After running to the department office, it turns out that it’s only a rumour. And that was after an hour of shock and frantically trying to mentally draw up a plan to do everything by Wednesday. Perhaps it might not even matter in the end. I found out from Aaron that the official application date was at the end of the semester. What are my chances of maintaining or improving on the required 4-point CAP (where I'm exactly at right now) at the end of the semester? Pfft. Oh well, we’ll see how it goes.

I’m not sure what happened but somewhere during the afternoon, everything about honours suddenly and all at once overwhelmed me. All the (psychological) stress, anxiety and apprehension and uncertainty about Honours rose up like a giant tide and swept me away. I broke down in the canteen and had to leave before I made a stupid scene and embarrassed myself and everyone else. People saw anyway and Shane caught up with me to ask me what was wrong. So I told him and the tears just came out.

As I was talking to him, I relaised that I’ve come to a point where I don’t see a point to talk about it to anyone anymore. I’m sick of hearing my voice and there’s nothing anyone can say. All the talking hasn’t helped me come any closer to any sort of resolution, external or internal. Neither has it helped me gain any more clarity on the whole thing. It’s one of those things that no one can help me with and I have to sort it out on my own. I am sick of this uncertainty, this questioning of my purpose here (simply because I see none) and the heaviness I carry around like a weight around my neck. I recite all the good reasons why I should be doing honours in my head and they sound like someone else’s opinions, not mine.

I really really thank God for my friends, for Andrea, Shane, for Wayne, without whom I would’ve long gone mad from self-doubt and all kinds of stupid reasons one should never go mad from, like all of this.

Stayed in school till 8.40pm to do reading while waiting for dad to pick me up. I was talking to Aaron and Elaine when another classmate of ours walked past. I said hi to him, was ignored. After speaking to them and without acknowledging my presence even though I was standing right next to him, looking at him the whole time, he said goodbye to them. At this point, I said goodbye to him, was pointedly ignored again. I really don’t get some people some times.