I guess I asked for it.
It's 7:18pm and I'm in the library with the silence and my books, and the same thought of what happened today running through my head. For many reasons, I feel completely alone. It gets to a point where you are the only one who can help yourself and nobody really knows what to say that they haven't already said to you or that isn't obvious. On everybody's part, there is nothing more to say.
What am I looking for anyway? Advice? Reassurance? A hug? To know that there are people who love me despite who I am and what I'd done, and would protect me from these hateful bastards? All of the above maybe. Maybe I want someone to be there with me, in the darkness of my guilt and shame and the awful memories, to hold my hand and tell me it's ok. But that's not really possible. Does God know what's going on? Of course He does and I know He loves me but I just can't bring myself to believe it. And I cannot see or feel His presence. I just feels...empty.
I hate you and what you and those people are trying to do to me and my life. I hate all of you bastards. Leave me alone! What do you want from me? You want to humiliate me and try to take away my dignity? It's already working. Make me feel bad to pay for what I'd done? It's already working! So leave me alone! I hate you and who I was those 2 months. Get away from me and my life!
What am I looking for anyway? Advice? Reassurance? A hug? To know that there are people who love me despite who I am and what I'd done, and would protect me from these hateful bastards? All of the above maybe. Maybe I want someone to be there with me, in the darkness of my guilt and shame and the awful memories, to hold my hand and tell me it's ok. But that's not really possible. Does God know what's going on? Of course He does and I know He loves me but I just can't bring myself to believe it. And I cannot see or feel His presence. I just feels...empty.
I hate you and what you and those people are trying to do to me and my life. I hate all of you bastards. Leave me alone! What do you want from me? You want to humiliate me and try to take away my dignity? It's already working. Make me feel bad to pay for what I'd done? It's already working! So leave me alone! I hate you and who I was those 2 months. Get away from me and my life!
Labels: An old life.
posted by raggedee_ann at 7:19 PM
4 Comments:
ah just let those fuckers go fuck themselves eat shit and die. They can't take your dignity cos noone gave to you except God. They can kiss my ass after i grind them to the ground with my pickaxe and cut out their eyes with my spoon (cos it's blunt and it'll hurt more)
Hey girl...no one asks for things like this to happen to them. It will all pass ya...and we learn from experience. You are a wonderful and beautiful person. Don't let sthg like this get u down! If you need someone to talk to, to make u laugh or just a hug, u know where to find me (or Shane) :)
raggy ann dearie, i don't know what happened, but you tell me who those bastards are and i'll taekwondo kick them so hard they're gonna go crying to their mommies! wahaha. don't be down dear there are a lot of bloody stupid idiots out there, just trust in God and keep your friends close and things will work out. as for lunch with you and tee-nee, my lunch schedule is: mon 11am to 1pm, tues after 11am, wed after 11am, thurs between 11am and 1pm, fri before 1pm. hook up with tee-nee and we can work something out! wahaha. :) love ya.
I am sorry you feel so bad and all alone right now. I too am going through some major adversity. I know God is there, but sometimes, I feel so ALL alone. Where are the angels? Where are the people who say they love you and support you? Can they even help the hurt go away? Is it true that time will heal? You are in my thoughts, if i prayed like I should, You can be guarenteed I would be praying for your comfort, peace, and lonliness to go away and replaced with true love, support, and understanding. Keep the Faith is all I can say for now. And if i were there, i would hold you and give you the looooooooooooooooooongest hug ever.
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