Wherever you are now, I will miss you. I suppose our date will have to wait for now.

a very small shoe

This morning, just before my paper, I was searching through my cupboard for that spare packet of erasers that I'd kept from my primary school days for sentimental reasons (yes I keep a lot of things from my past for sentimental reasons). No erasers but I found a box instead. A boxful of lost memories that I'd completely forgotten I had. People who were, at one point not so many years ago, so very important to me. I couldn't help myself and even as I was getting ready to go to school, I flipped through the cards and letters, reading some and recalling the content of others in my mind as I instantly recognised the envelope and the once-familiar handwriting. I even found the card from Fonz that I've been hunting high and low for. It's funny how much time can transform and change everything. Familiar people become unfamiliar and distant; I am no longer the girl those letters were meant for. For so many reasons, I wish I'd taken better care of all the friendships that now lie silent and dusty in an old shoebox.

all the cracks are showing...

Despite the overused cliche, studying for the exams can be so incredibly overwhelming. The physical body starts overheating under the strain of late nights and too much caffeine. The mind teethers on the edge of reason or the lack of. My emotional self must flee and take refuge or else manifest itself in irrational bouts of fear and nervousness that bites and paralyses. That is why, I am numb, my body is crying out for relief and my mind seems no longer mine.

(edit at 9:09pm) The psalmist who sang at mass today had such a lovely voice! *dreamy sigh* Sorta like Josh Groban although he looked nothing like him. But still. It's wonderful to hear the message of God sung so beautifully; if I close my eyes (*lol* but seriously...) I can almost imagine an angel messenger delivering God's words to our ears. The drummer at HT is happening too! Yes of course the mass was nice too. Mass is always soothing, in some strange way. Today's the last time we'll sing the Gloria till Christmas and it's also the feast of Christ the King. That strikes me as real special but somehow, the words elude me. Must be all that studying.. :P

moosic.christmas.coffee.contentment.

The Budak Pantai concert was plenty fun! And a welcome respite from (trying to get started on) studying for the exams...

That Ole Devil Called Loved (Billie Holiday)

It's that ole devil called love game

Gets behind me and keeps giving me that shock again

Put a ring in my eyes

Tears in my dreams

And rocks in my heart

It's that sly ole-sun-of-a-gun again

He keeps telling me that I'm the lucky one again

But I still have that ring

Still have those tears

And those rocks in my heart

Suppose I didn't stay and ran away

Wouldn't play

That devil-what a potion he would brew

He'd follow me around

Build me up, tear me down

Till I'd be so bewildered

I wouldn't know what to do

Might as well give up the fight again

I know darn well he'll convince me

That he's right again

When he sings that siren song

I just gotta tag along

With that ole devil called love

I'm thinking maybe...

"Maybe he's just got too many hurts inside that really need to heal first before you can move on to anything more."

Somehow I feel very responsible. :(

Can it all change? Can I be patient and be quiet, just listen? What does it actually mean to love someone?

Breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky

I'll make a wish

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

(Kelly Clarkson, Breakaway)

Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars...

Dan Ryan's. I met Andrew for dinner tonight and it was nice. It was nice just to see someone I haven't met in a long while, someone from a part of my life that is almost faded by now. Maybe he feels the same way. And through each other, we relived memories and revisited old times. I realise that I do love those years I had and I do love the people who were with me despite everything that happened. But then everything happened and everything changed. Adra's gone away to Sydney and in many ways, the distance between us has grown way beyond the space between two continents. Sherman's well.... moved on. Vic's in the army and I hardly see him anymore. Clarence will be going to the army and, as it is, I hardly see him already. Giles has his own life. Sam's moved on as well so far that it might as well be as if we never met.... I miss them all, all of a sudden, so much. It might have been the wine or the salad dressing but nostalgia washed over me like a wave that leaves me wet and shivering, not at the cold but at the feeling of something so familiar (yet so long ago that it has nearly been forgotten) on my skin.

After dinner, we parted ways. The night had just been washed with rain and the air was cold. I was full from the food, the company and the memories, so I felt like walking. I walked from Dan Ryan's to Orchard MRT station. Along the way, I made a stop at Border's and, on impulse, I got 3 books for the price of 2. It was time for me to pick up something interesting to read again, something apolitical. Every time I pick up a new book, I am genuinely excited. I'm excited at the possibility of stumbling upon a mini epiphany, something that casts a strong, clear light on life as it is, something that will add to my person what a thousand pages of Kenneth Waltz will not. This time round, the excitement is threefold. Well, two and a half I guess considering that one of the books is a trashy novel.

As I walked up the steps to my place and turned the key in the lock, a thought flashed in my mind. I despise slimming/beauty advertisements. I really do. I despise the way they blatently publicise superficial notions of beauty in their cheesy jingles, the bad directing, and a script that's even worse. I despise the way they capitalise on the insecurities of girls and women to create a false sense of identity for them. I despise the way they assume that there are people who will be easily convinced that you are only beautiful if you are skinny. It makes me wonder when there are people who do believe that for a fact.

Beauty is an intangible glow that emanates from within. You cannot see it with your eyes neither does it manifest itself in the flesh. It can be felt, it can be sensed and from the glowing to the glowed-upon, the entire process takes place inside people, not ouside. The most beautiful people I know are human in every sense of the word and that is part of where their beauty lies. :) I don't need to say anymore. There are people who will understand what I'm saying.

My weapons of choice.