Change your heart, it will astound you.

Yesterday, I met a friend for dinner, just to catch up. In between moderated swallows of Kilkenny's, I remember talking to him about what makes life fulfilling for people. And I remember saying how I think it is exhausting to just keep on doing and doing things, and when those things are done, to look for yet more things to do. More mountains to climb and conquer (literally), more places to go, more boxes to tick off a never-ending list of to-dos. When does a person stop going on like a treadmill that's gone crazy? You can never run out of things certainly. And life is good this way for some people. And I find myself wondering why I'm not completely convinced and yet somehow drawn towards this strangely enticing vision.

I want to get make something out of my life, go some places, achieve some dreams. I want to go through years of tears, anger, fears that I will not regret. I want to keep falling in love. I want to keep smiling. I want to have children who will teach me how to love. I want to look forward to every day that comes. I want a job that I can grow in, learn to love doing and wholeheartedly too. I want to be surrounded by people whom I love.

But I am not like all those people who keep going out there right now to do things every other day, who climb mountain after mountain without a moment's pause, who are living dreams right now.

And I am afraid...
that I will never find what it is I am looking for;
that I will never get to live a dream;
that I will become bitter and cynical because life is hard;
that I will never be able to stop being afraid;
that I will never learn to trust a loving God to lead me to the right place

I don't want to just keep doing and doing. I want to do the things that matter, be where it matters. I am only 23 and there is life to be living.

Feet-to-feet.

The colours of dusk.

Soaking in the flavour: late night suppers.

View from the bottom-up.

We were merely freshmen...

Two nights ago, Bel's nick on msn was a line that came from this song and I remembered how much I love it for so many reasons.

Hugs to you dear. I hope and pray that things will be ok for you one day soon.

When I was young I knew everything
And she a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken, sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sines
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a week's worth of valium and slept
Now he's guilt stricken, sobbing with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says

We've tried to wach our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken, sobbing with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say...

(The Freshmen, The Verve Pipe)

One more for us.

And so, just like that, the week is over. How strange (for lack of a better word) that such extreme and rash-inducing suffering is so ephemeral. You keep telling yourself this will end, this will end even while your weak heart is telling you a week is forever... And then, it is over. My last presentation, my last review paper, my last few lessons in a classroom that's becoming more than just that to me, I think I spilt my last coffee a couple of weeks back..I think. In a month, I will take my last exam and put my pen down, after the last futile scribbles, and it is done. Thankfully(?), when I walk away from here with the gift of hindsight, the only thing I will remember are the people.

Thank you to all who have, in one way or another, helped keep me sane with hang-in-theres and toast-toast and gogogo jo, kept me company while I was scratching my palms to death and made me laugh...I am alive and normal now, in part, because of you...

I've been thinking a lot about being yourself among people, friends. Being who you think you are around people whom you admire and in some deep, Freudian-ish way, wish to emulate is hard. For me at least.... I'm too afraid to offend or be challenged to stand up for who I am or be judged by those I like. Yeah, it's human and normal and we're all like that to some extent but I would like to be less afraid, more me. All of a sudden, I realise that maybe, just maybe, I haven't even learnt to love myself for me.

You only live twice or so it seems,
One life for yourself and one for your dreams
You drift through the years and life seems tame,
Till one dream appears and love is its name.

And love is a stranger who'll beckon you on,
Don't think of the danger or the stranger is gone.

This dream is for you, so pay the price.
Make one dream come true, you only live twice.