Change your heart, it will astound you.
Yesterday, I met a friend for dinner, just to catch up. In between moderated swallows of Kilkenny's, I remember talking to him about what makes life fulfilling for people. And I remember saying how I think it is exhausting to just keep on doing and doing things, and when those things are done, to look for yet more things to do. More mountains to climb and conquer (literally), more places to go, more boxes to tick off a never-ending list of to-dos. When does a person stop going on like a treadmill that's gone crazy? You can never run out of things certainly. And life is good this way for some people. And I find myself wondering why I'm not completely convinced and yet somehow drawn towards this strangely enticing vision.
I want to get make something out of my life, go some places, achieve some dreams. I want to go through years of tears, anger, fears that I will not regret. I want to keep falling in love. I want to keep smiling. I want to have children who will teach me how to love. I want to look forward to every day that comes. I want a job that I can grow in, learn to love doing and wholeheartedly too. I want to be surrounded by people whom I love.
But I am not like all those people who keep going out there right now to do things every other day, who climb mountain after mountain without a moment's pause, who are living dreams right now.
And I am afraid...
that I will never find what it is I am looking for;
that I will never get to live a dream;
that I will become bitter and cynical because life is hard;
that I will never be able to stop being afraid;
that I will never learn to trust a loving God to lead me to the right place
I don't want to just keep doing and doing. I want to do the things that matter, be where it matters. I am only 23 and there is life to be living.
I want to get make something out of my life, go some places, achieve some dreams. I want to go through years of tears, anger, fears that I will not regret. I want to keep falling in love. I want to keep smiling. I want to have children who will teach me how to love. I want to look forward to every day that comes. I want a job that I can grow in, learn to love doing and wholeheartedly too. I want to be surrounded by people whom I love.
But I am not like all those people who keep going out there right now to do things every other day, who climb mountain after mountain without a moment's pause, who are living dreams right now.
And I am afraid...
that I will never find what it is I am looking for;
that I will never get to live a dream;
that I will become bitter and cynical because life is hard;
that I will never be able to stop being afraid;
that I will never learn to trust a loving God to lead me to the right place
I don't want to just keep doing and doing. I want to do the things that matter, be where it matters. I am only 23 and there is life to be living.
Labels: An old life.
posted by raggedee_ann at 12:46 AM
1 Comments:
it's a nice post, and i agree with most of the things here. :) yes! i too like to make something of my life, to go some places, and achieve some dreams ... and ultimately, to do some things that matter.
we can't do everything, that's true. and it's true that we might only enjoy a subset of all the things that we do. but wherever we are, we can keep open and hopeful, because i think there's something out there for all of us. the plans that we make may not necessarily lead us to that one thing (or a few things, for some), that thing(s) may just fall from the sky ... there're so many possibilities. what matters is, i guess, to recognise it when it comes, and jump on it! :p
for your fears, i hope that somehow, someway, you'll manage to conquer them. i'll always be around for you, and you've also got good friends for support.
i pray that you'll find whatever amazes you and captures your heart. :) hugs.
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