Just for now.
It hit me today, the irony of my situation.
I said goodbye to Mama in the evening but I was late or rather, she had gone in early to the gatehold room, which was out of bounds for me. So we had to say our goodbyes silently, forced by a thick panel of glass to read each other's lips and hands as they made silent, awkward contact. It made me sad that I could see her but could not reach or touch her. I found myself tearing and my nose stinging as I turned to walk away. I felt an overwhelming compulsion to call all the people I love or who have touched my life just to make contact, to hear their voice or to shake their hand and be able to say thank you and be heard. Just something, anything. But I did nothing because I knew that it was more to comfort me of their presence than for me to affirm theirs.
As I walked the entire length back, I looked at the world outside, at the planes taking off and there I was, I realised, on the wrong side of the glass. I watch people leave every day. In my mind, I walk through the gates with them and onto the plane. In my mind, I fly away, far away to where my heart is yearning and yearning every day to be. But then I open my eyes and I am here.
I am aching and crying for the goodbye I could not say, for the place I cannot go, for the place where I am, for lost opportunities, for people I miss so dearly, for the me I no longer recognise, for my fears and the dreams they threaten to snuff out, for people I don't love enough, for God who is so loving and patient and kind with a self-centred girl who cannot bring herself to step beyond the boundaries of her insecurities. For the things in my heart that I carry every day like a thick woolen blanket in the middle of summer.
I know I must wait. I know I must grow and learn and be wise. That is my purpose for now, today. Maybe tomorrow as well and the day after that. So that I will be ready the day I step beyond the glass.
I said goodbye to Mama in the evening but I was late or rather, she had gone in early to the gatehold room, which was out of bounds for me. So we had to say our goodbyes silently, forced by a thick panel of glass to read each other's lips and hands as they made silent, awkward contact. It made me sad that I could see her but could not reach or touch her. I found myself tearing and my nose stinging as I turned to walk away. I felt an overwhelming compulsion to call all the people I love or who have touched my life just to make contact, to hear their voice or to shake their hand and be able to say thank you and be heard. Just something, anything. But I did nothing because I knew that it was more to comfort me of their presence than for me to affirm theirs.
As I walked the entire length back, I looked at the world outside, at the planes taking off and there I was, I realised, on the wrong side of the glass. I watch people leave every day. In my mind, I walk through the gates with them and onto the plane. In my mind, I fly away, far away to where my heart is yearning and yearning every day to be. But then I open my eyes and I am here.
I am aching and crying for the goodbye I could not say, for the place I cannot go, for the place where I am, for lost opportunities, for people I miss so dearly, for the me I no longer recognise, for my fears and the dreams they threaten to snuff out, for people I don't love enough, for God who is so loving and patient and kind with a self-centred girl who cannot bring herself to step beyond the boundaries of her insecurities. For the things in my heart that I carry every day like a thick woolen blanket in the middle of summer.
I know I must wait. I know I must grow and learn and be wise. That is my purpose for now, today. Maybe tomorrow as well and the day after that. So that I will be ready the day I step beyond the glass.
Labels: An old life.
posted by raggedee_ann at 1:50 AM
1 Comments:
most things in life happen for a reason ... and i think you know the reason for things.
"i know i must wait ... that is my purpose for now, today ... so that I will be ready the day I step beyond the glass."
i know this knowledge doesn't make things easier to bear.
i don't know when that day would be, or who will be around you when it happens, but i think when it happens, you'll find peace, joy, and the knowledge that you've arrived.
one day, it all wouldn't matter anymore. but till that one day comes, i hope to share the journey with you, as and when you want me to. please take care darling. trust in the Lord you know, who is loving and patient and kind without limits or barriers. hug.
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